Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize