i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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