Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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