the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I think I just sharted jello shots
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