i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
