rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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