I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Randomize
