Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
the day after is always just damage control
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
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