you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Randomize
