I just threw up on my dentist
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Randomize
