OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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