Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Randomize
