whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
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