is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
