I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize
