i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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