she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
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