Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
