loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
