i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I wear drunk well.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
