I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
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