I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
