her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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