Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Randomize
