I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Randomize
