Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
