I didn't shave. On purpose
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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