I faked an abortion last night.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
