Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
