The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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