conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
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