Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Randomize
