My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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