Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
