all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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