i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
