Dual....:-)
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
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