you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Randomize
