Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Randomize
