im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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