if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
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