Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
She swung at the pinata with crutches
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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