I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
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I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
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We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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