All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
