Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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