sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
