no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Randomize
