I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
