Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
40s are totally the cure
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Randomize
