I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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