So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
tell me about the eggs
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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