my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
