theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
