At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
