i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
