P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
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