So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
