You don't have asthma, your pregnant
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize