but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
