my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
