i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
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