Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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