First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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